| Ok, this was a long time in coming. *sigh* I hate to do this, but it has to be done. Hey everyone, guess what?
I’m not perfect. I’m not a perfect Christian. I’m not a perfect daughter. I’m not a perfect best friend. I’m not a perfect girlfriend. I’m not a perfect friend. I’m not a perfect student. I’m not a perfect sister. I’m not a perfect cousin. I’m not a perfect enemy. I’m not a perfect niece. I’m not a perfect granddaughter. I’m not a perfect advice-giver. I’m not a perfect employee. I’m not a perfect co-worker. I’m not perfect. So please... stop expecting perfection from me. Stop expecting me to be who you think I should be. Stop expecting me to be perfect. Stop expecting me to live the life you wanted to live. Stop expecting me to live the life you set out in your mind for me to live. I am an individual. I am so unlike anyone and everyone else you will ever meet. I am unique. If it’s hard for you to accept me for the person I am, then I’m sorry. But you know what? Just because I’m not who you want or expect me to be, doesn’t mean you need to make me feel worthless or like a mistake. If you can’t accept me for me, then at least don’t put me down or talk negatively about me or to me. I can’t please everyone, ok? I just can’t. Don’t make me choose between pleasing you and pleasing someone else. The only one I will ever drop anything and anyone to please anymore is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Because He died for me, He gave his life for me when I did not and still do not deserve it or deserve His unconditional love.
All my life I have always tried to make everyone else happy, and I have sacrificed myself in so many ways to do this. I do not with one ounce of my being regret this. However, I gave enough of myself to the point that I don’t have enough of myself left to really know much of who I am or what I want anymore. The one thing I do know about myself for sure is that I love my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ more than anyone or anything else, and that without Him first in my life, I am nothing at all.
I know to a lot of people right now and in the past year or so it seems that my faith is not important to me. Well guess what? It is. And who are you to judge me when you don’t know my heart attitude? I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to stumble. I’m going to struggle. If you really care about me, then instead of pushing me further down when that happens, you can offer me a hand or word of encouragement to get back up.
I can’t remember how many times I have been judged or treated unfairly by people. I have tried for the longest time not to get mad and to shrug it off. I’ve been told by someone not to worry about what people think of me and not to let it get me down (because its what Christ thinks of my life that really matters), and then have that person turn around and tell me that I need to be more careful about my life because what other people think of me is very important, possibly the most important thing in life. You know what? Pick one. Don’t give me conflicting advice, because that just messes me up even more.
Chances are you don’t know me. I don’t care if you’re a blood relative, ‘close’ friend, friend, co-worker, enemy, or honorary relative... you probably do not know me. So please, don’t try to judge me. I know I don’t live a perfect life. I know on the outside, I may look like a horrible person. I know I may seem like an evil influence, just waiting to corrupt people. But you know what, I’m not.
So let me tell you now just a little bit of who I am. Maybe then you’ll be able to stop assuming things about me. I’m not asking you to accept me, or even love me. All I’m asking is that you open your eyes to the fact that I might be quite different from who you have set me up to be. -I am a teenage girl, stuck in this world. I have tried hard to find so many ways out of here, trust me. However, they have not worked, as I am still here. So because of that, I try to make the most out of my life, and try to live each day to its fullest. -I am a Christian in the sense that I believe God sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins, that in order to be saved I need to believe in him and try my best to follow his commands, written in the Holy Scriptures. I believe the Godhead is triune, taking the form of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and that they are 3-in-1. I believe God loves me and has called me to be one of His children. In my heart I truly want Jesus to be my number one love and my main source and only source of true, godly happiness. -I am not a Christian in the stereotypical sense of being a Christian. A lot of you Christians may be shocked to know this, but guess what? The reason a lot of non-Christians can’t stand Christians is because of the hypocrisy and how judgmental we are as a group. Christians claim they are accepting of everyone, and that they don’t judge. They claim its “love the sinner, hate the sin.” Guess what? More times than not, especially of late, I have been judged by Christians who don’t even know me, and have been hated and shunned for sins I have committed. And this by Christians who loudly, publicly state they are accepting of everyone and do not judge. That is the sense of Christianity I do not share. I know no one is perfect, and non-Christians can be judgmental and hypocrites too. But I believe as Christians, we are called to try harder to shine Jesus’ love to the world, and should not make claims we cannot keep. -I am a college student, who is not getting perfect grades. I know I need to put more effort into my schoolwork and studying. I am working on it, and am tying to find more and more motivation to continue on with furthering my education. I have never in my life had serious or sincere motivation in academics. To be totally honest, I am surprised I have come this far in my education. At one point, I wasn’t even sure I was going to graduate high school.
-I am an employee, working for a local drugstore chain. I try my best to give 100% of me into what I do. I don’t always agree with the politics that goes on in the workplace, but I do my best to do what I am told by the ones on the leadership ladder above me, and to give the company the work that they pay me for. -I am a friend who tries my best to be a true friend. People have used and abused my friendship, and because of that I am not as quick to hand it out anymore. I know that is a sin issue of mine and I am working on it. However, I try my best to be there for my friends and do what I can with what power I have, to make their lives better, happier, and more fulfilling. I love my friends dearly, and honestly do not know what my life would be life without them. All I know is that it would have a very large void.
-I am someone people find it easy to talk to, cry to, and confide in. I do not know why, but rather than look upon it as a burden as I have for a lot of my life, I have lately come to see it is a gift from God I can use to help others. I sincerely try not to judge people. I realize God created us all differently and we all come from different walks of life. I accept people for who they are, and even if I do not agree with the choices they make or lifestyle they lead, I try my best to show them God’s love and be a friend to those in need. I let them know where I stand and what I view as morally right and wrong, and I remind them of that every so often. -I am a daughter to two parents who love me, care about me, want to protect me from everything bad and hurtful, and want me to live the best life I can. At the same time, I am an adult who needs room to find out what path I am supposed to travel down and needs freedom to test my wings. There is friction between us a lot, this I will not deny. However, I know that they love me and I love them. At the end of the day, though we may be upset with each other or disagree with one another’s views, there is a string that holds us together that is stronger than any earthly bond. -I am a sinner, saved by grace, who constantly has to stop and ask God’s forgiveness for sins I commit. I make mistakes and wrong choices a lot. I know that. However, I also am willing to suffer the consequences for the mistakes I make. I do not shun the responsibility for them; rather, I try my best to accept it gracefully, for it makes me into a stronger, wiser person.
-I am who I am, and this is just a little insight into the person God made me. My ultimate goal is to live my life on earth for Jesus, and to spend eternity praising my Savior in Heaven.
The reason I have written this is because there are a lot of different things going on in my life right now. I have a lot of secrets I am hiding from the world, and really, I wish I didn’t have to. But as soon as one secret is let out, people instantly use it to gossip about me and point me out as an awful, bad person. I can’t handle that anymore, especially not from the people I expected to love me and accept me for who I am. I am trying to make the best choices I can, and I am trying to live the best life I can. I know it is said that the way a person lives their life is a reflection of their heart. And I believe that. However, I also believe there are reasons people live the way they do and make the choices they do. And unless you are willing to sit down, and sincerely try to get to know them and see why the act, think, talk, and live the way they do, you have no business judging them, or especially talking to others about them negatively behind their backs. People are more complex than we realize. There is more to a person than just their personality, character, and beliefs. And while those aspects of a person are very key in finding out who someone is, that is not all there is to a person. In all honestly, for a lot of people, it can take years to really get to know someone for who they are. It depends on how willing they are to open up and trust you, and how much of a sincere effort you make at being a friend and truly caring about them. These are my thoughts on life right now. And while a lot of the time you see me, I may be smiling, having fun, laughing, joking around, and taking things lightly, a very large side of me is serious and contemplative. I think about things a lot more than everyone realizes, and the way people think affects me more than they will ever know. Hopefully now those of you who actually took the time to read this have more of an idea of who I am. Birth family, honorary family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, close friends, enemies, everyone who read this... now you know a little bit about me. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Seriously. This is just a glimpse into who I am. If you read this and say “Oh, now I know Cari,” you are wrong. You have not come to know me by reading this. All that has happened is that you know more ABOUT me. In all honesty, I think there are only 7 people who truly do know me. And I think if the majority of you knew who those 7 are; it would surprise you, because not many of them are those that you would think know me really well. But then again, at this point in my life, I don’t completely know myself either. So to the degree that I know myself and slightly beyond... that is the degree to which these few people know me. That. Is. Me. |
